Trying Hard to be Body "Conscious"
For as long a I can remember I have been unhappy with this body. Maybe unhappy is a very strong word but it is the truth. The truth that should not be hidden under a veil of positivity.(a habit I am trying to get rid off in my constant challenge to be honest to myself and everyone around me).
Of course I am no stranger to positive affirmations that we get blasted with everyday that screams You are more than what you are on the outside. Inner beauty shines through... the body is just a container for the Athma and so on.
Yes, logically I knew that everything that we see in the media is not completely true, I knew that as a girl you were always being fed with images of how a perfect girls should look like and that this was just an illusion. When Swami (Sathya Sai Baba) keeps repeating the body is a water bubble of course I did not question it.
All this certainly made sense to me, so much of sense that I began to preach it myself. That beauty is beyond what you see. But deep down inside it still mattered. We were cordial now my body and me, I no longer shied away from mirrors, I no longer felt deep down inside that the reason I was not loved or picked or the reason for anything at all was the fact that I was not good looking enough or attractive enough.
However we were not partners, we were not in love for I never accepted it fully. My body was and probably still is a project to me. A project that I was constantly trying to improve either in terms of aesthetics, strength or ability.
Then I guess my body decided to take things to its own hands. Two months ago I made a huge mistake of not listening to my body which was screaming pain and fatigue. I pushed it further thinking "Mind over Body" and all that jazz. I carried a heavy object and as a result found myself on the floor unable to move for about 6 hours with a severely sprained back. By the end of the day I found myself in a hospital bed not even being able to turn my body to the right or left.
Every movement was excruciating pain. I needed to be helped for everything, my cousin actually had to brush my teeth and comb my hair for me the next day. I enjoyed the attention yes.. and I learnt that pain and suffering were two different things. I realised that so many people loved and cared for me and that was simply overwhelming. Thinking the lesson had ended and that I had truly understood the value of my body, I experienced huge amounts of gratitude that this gift of a fully functional body had been given to me.
While I was in the hospital a close friend shared with me what her Yoga teacher told her. He said
"To push the body beyond its limits is nothing but ego" .
This message resonated very strongly with me at that moment and made me think.
However I went home with renewed zest to continue my improvement project, this time with more tenacity that I should become stronger and more prepared so that I do not experience this pain again. I was getting better day by day, working on light cardio, core workouts to reduce stress to the back etc. But 3 weeks later, the pain returned.
This time not as bad as the first time but it was still there. It was clear to me that I had missed the lesson. There was so much more to this than just the lesson of gratitude I was to learn. I started to be more aware of my body this time not in a outward way as to how I look, but i started really being conscious about small things like identify which muscle is hurting, what kind of feeling I was having, was if tiredness, soreness, or sometimes just plain fear. I realised that my body was communicating so much more to me, it was indeed a tool and i was not fully utilizing it because i was not aware of it sort of like when we buy a super expensive phone but are not aware of its features.
I realised that in life I am always so focused on achieving things, getting somewhere and getting there fast. I was never really aware of the journey. It showed in everything I did, the way I cooked, the way I worked out, the way I was like in a relationship, the projects I lead. I was always in such a hurry to get things locked down, to find certainty and definition that I never give things/people the time it is due. I have always felt a huge responsibility to perfection in outcome often causing me to invest effort in areas that I have no concerns in. I just could not sit in the sidelines and watch someone or something I care about fail (failure as defined by me of course)
What my body taught me this year way to SLOW DOWN and be aware. To really stop and be aware of what the world is communicating to me. To slow down and observe what people need and not impose myself and my beliefs on them or judge them because they were not like me. To slow down and let go of things I felt were mine and my responsibility but in reality no longer were.
For this blessed experience I have HUGE gratitude to this container. this tool that is suppose to help me realise its contents and be completely anchored in the fact that the content is who I am.I am grateful for this experience that helped me to realise that this body was specially and very specifically designed for this birth and this role and to treat it with love and respect like the teacher it is meant to be.
Of course I am no stranger to positive affirmations that we get blasted with everyday that screams You are more than what you are on the outside. Inner beauty shines through... the body is just a container for the Athma and so on.
Yes, logically I knew that everything that we see in the media is not completely true, I knew that as a girl you were always being fed with images of how a perfect girls should look like and that this was just an illusion. When Swami (Sathya Sai Baba) keeps repeating the body is a water bubble of course I did not question it.
All this certainly made sense to me, so much of sense that I began to preach it myself. That beauty is beyond what you see. But deep down inside it still mattered. We were cordial now my body and me, I no longer shied away from mirrors, I no longer felt deep down inside that the reason I was not loved or picked or the reason for anything at all was the fact that I was not good looking enough or attractive enough.
However we were not partners, we were not in love for I never accepted it fully. My body was and probably still is a project to me. A project that I was constantly trying to improve either in terms of aesthetics, strength or ability.
Then I guess my body decided to take things to its own hands. Two months ago I made a huge mistake of not listening to my body which was screaming pain and fatigue. I pushed it further thinking "Mind over Body" and all that jazz. I carried a heavy object and as a result found myself on the floor unable to move for about 6 hours with a severely sprained back. By the end of the day I found myself in a hospital bed not even being able to turn my body to the right or left.
Every movement was excruciating pain. I needed to be helped for everything, my cousin actually had to brush my teeth and comb my hair for me the next day. I enjoyed the attention yes.. and I learnt that pain and suffering were two different things. I realised that so many people loved and cared for me and that was simply overwhelming. Thinking the lesson had ended and that I had truly understood the value of my body, I experienced huge amounts of gratitude that this gift of a fully functional body had been given to me.
While I was in the hospital a close friend shared with me what her Yoga teacher told her. He said
"To push the body beyond its limits is nothing but ego" .
This message resonated very strongly with me at that moment and made me think.
However I went home with renewed zest to continue my improvement project, this time with more tenacity that I should become stronger and more prepared so that I do not experience this pain again. I was getting better day by day, working on light cardio, core workouts to reduce stress to the back etc. But 3 weeks later, the pain returned.
This time not as bad as the first time but it was still there. It was clear to me that I had missed the lesson. There was so much more to this than just the lesson of gratitude I was to learn. I started to be more aware of my body this time not in a outward way as to how I look, but i started really being conscious about small things like identify which muscle is hurting, what kind of feeling I was having, was if tiredness, soreness, or sometimes just plain fear. I realised that my body was communicating so much more to me, it was indeed a tool and i was not fully utilizing it because i was not aware of it sort of like when we buy a super expensive phone but are not aware of its features.
I realised that in life I am always so focused on achieving things, getting somewhere and getting there fast. I was never really aware of the journey. It showed in everything I did, the way I cooked, the way I worked out, the way I was like in a relationship, the projects I lead. I was always in such a hurry to get things locked down, to find certainty and definition that I never give things/people the time it is due. I have always felt a huge responsibility to perfection in outcome often causing me to invest effort in areas that I have no concerns in. I just could not sit in the sidelines and watch someone or something I care about fail (failure as defined by me of course)
What my body taught me this year way to SLOW DOWN and be aware. To really stop and be aware of what the world is communicating to me. To slow down and observe what people need and not impose myself and my beliefs on them or judge them because they were not like me. To slow down and let go of things I felt were mine and my responsibility but in reality no longer were.
For this blessed experience I have HUGE gratitude to this container. this tool that is suppose to help me realise its contents and be completely anchored in the fact that the content is who I am.I am grateful for this experience that helped me to realise that this body was specially and very specifically designed for this birth and this role and to treat it with love and respect like the teacher it is meant to be.
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