Looking for Signs from Above...

As I sit here in this moment of the now contemplating what I had learnt from a very very eventful 2015 I see not the events that have marked the year but the thought process and my reactions to the events that have constantly put me on this journey of ups and down. 

Taking the position of the observer for most part of the year I have grown tired of looking at myself ride this roller coaster many a time knowing when I am up, that I will come down and vice versa. I am not discounting the fact that every up and down was necessary and that with every experience my horizons of understanding me grew.

I know we all need responses and we all need validation in some way or the other but I have this believe that if we truly want to experience unconditional love, in all ways, then the first thing we need to get rid off is this need to look out for signs.If we really wanted to live in the NOW then all that mattered was the present moment and not indications that the past moment was "correct"and the future moment would be "safe".

Another thing i have learnt about myself this year is that I am such a sequential thinker and as i pushed aside my Virgo ways for most parts of my life or so I believed I did, this year it was as clear as day that the way that i think is so compartmentalized and so, true to my Virgo ways let me break this down into the little boxes of my life where I saw this happening. 

Physical lessons 

In terms of physical growth and expansion of everything that is physical I would say this year has been brilliant. There had been so many decisions which had to be made in terms of the business and this year I took the bold step to move out of my comfort zone and expand and the business. Of course I looked for signs, for some sort of indication that what I was doing the right thing and the signs did come, people who were right for the moment gravitated to me and business opportunities did present itself very obviously. 

When it comes to work and money I always somehow feel that level of comfort and surrender. I always have this deep rooted feeling that this part of my life has been sorted out and i never have to look for money. So when we embarked on expanding the business it was so much FUN. It never felt like I was working but more like playing game. I looked for signs and they came ever so frequently. Although nothing we did gave fruit to direct business, the returns came in ways that we did not plan at all. Everything that I set out to gain in terms of work this year manifested and not only did they manifest they came back with more returns.  

What did we loose in 2015? A little bit of sanity :) when the house got broken in to by a sex maniac who rapped my teddy bear as he poured oil all over my bed, lived in our house, took our belongings and our feeling of security. When this issue happened immediately people started thinking about "what could it mean?" Is this a sign for something?" and God it worried me so much. Is this truly a reflection of something that is going on within me that we have attracted such an incident into our lives. It was very confusing and at the same time worrying. It carried on playing in my mind until one day i decided to drop it and view it as something that just happened to make life a little more interesting. I chose to focus on the positive that the incident brought me. Like the Love and support I received from my friends, the 2 weeks of fun we had living with Mark and Sheena and the brats, the new stuff we were forced to install and buy and the second yagna that we had in our home. It seemed like a small price to pay for the immense blessings that came forth after the break in.Once again the signs did not matter. 

Emotional Lessons of 2015

I think the biggest emotional lesson that came to me this year came in the form of One Guy. The one guy I could never rationalize why I liked. Like something that kept coming back at me for years. When we started hanging out again this year I looked for signs. Signs that He could be the ÖNE" Signs that he might actually like me. Signs that despite the fact that he was so rough on the outside perhaps there was something inside that I kept feeling attracted to. Perhaps I was not good enough for him, Perhaps i was not pretty enough, or patient enough or smart enough or perhaps we had nothing in common or did he think i was lame? Or did he not find anything in common with me?

I looked for signs everywhere. In books that I read, In Angel cards, in friends who were slightly psychic, In past readings of Nadi josiyam, In astrological charts. Something inside me felt that there should be more to this than just the fact that we were spending time together, which honestly was not that much.The funny thing about signs is when you look for them hard enough they will show you only what you want to see. I looked for signs everywhere accept the most obvious place. HIM. 

I was so busy looking for validation that this was right and that eventually it would be right that i did not read the most obvious signs that he himself was giving. Signs that we were just friends, Signs that I was not the one, signs that we did not want the same things.Signs that he actually did not like me. Now as I look at it from a distance, it is clear as day that as I looked for extraordinary signs I ignored the obvious ones. 

So What have I learnt emotionally? I learnt that as intimidating as I might be to some guys ( 3 of them told me this ) As strong a character as people see me to be, this is me, and like Nidhish said as we watched a movie a few days ago, "Akka, if you are Mastani, then you have to wait for someone as strong at Bajirao - but unfortunately there are very few Bajiraos around" and I agree with him, changing who I am will only eventually frustrate me. The lesson I learnt is to accept that you cant force someone to like you by being prettier, smarter, more charming, more domestic... and trying to rationalize it or reading books and analyzing it will only frustrate you. You are you and none of this matter because when someone sees you for who you are they only see that and if the only person that sees you is You then that also is a gift. 

Spiritual Lessons in 2015 

2015 was indeed a year of divine romance. My relationship with Swami has again shifted. I see myself moving away from looking for simple signs. I used to be happy and overjoyed when we went to temples and I got flowers unexpectedly or if we got to stand longer ant the sanctum or simple things that would show that He was present. This year I experienced a different aspect of spirituality through silence. In Kancheepuram I was stunned by the divine flow of energy that we felt at the temples as I just sat away from the sanctum, closed my eyes and just felt the silence. How the silence was so loud. How it almost felt like that divinity was so present all around. How just standing there being surrounded by something so magnificent but not being able to open your eyes and witness it externally. 

For years I have been wondering about the energy of the Meditation tree in Puttaparthi and How it was special, Ive woken up at 6 am and climbed up the hill in the cold to experience that energy but all i returned with was a fever for sitting out in the cold so early in the morning... this year I felt it. As I closed my eyes and sat down under that tree i felt glued to the floor. I felt a pleasant current flow through me shutting my eyes tight. I felt the thoughts in my head magnify like it was a slow motion tv show. It was so amazing that it was retained in my body even as I left and I walked back down to the mandhir for dharshan and even as I walked back to my room, at times i was walking but my eyes were shut. I understood then that in order to experience the best of what there is discipline was required. I probably experienced more this time out of his grace but also if i want to contain this energy and benefit from it I need to have the discipline to meditate daily. 

But did i stop looking for signs, no... See in my relationship with Him I still needed him to respond and when i desperately need him to speak it was only thru signs. Through the vibhuthi that manifested in our home on the floors, thru the kumkum on the Shirdi Baba statue through dreams.. It was like Tukaram and His Vitobha. I had become reliant on the "signs"of His presence that I ignored the fact that Everything that was manifesting around me was him .

How safely he protected us from not being home during the break in 

How He sheltered us in the terrifying floods in Chennai 

How He safely got me to Parthi just before the girls arrive 

How Ive gotten to know so many New people around the world that share my thoughts and feelings 

Ignoring all this I had continue to seek for signs of His love. 

And so as a conclusion, in 2016 I have only ONE goal. To be present at all moments so that I would not miss out on the clear manifestation of Life, to grow in my confidence that there is no need for signs because I am assured of His love for me , I am assured of His Plans for me and I am so sure that any twist and turns along the way... and Ups and downs are only temporary... for every moment of our lives We make the Signs we want to See, We read them the way we want to read them and we keep assuring ourselves the way we want to. The only constant is You. The I without which, nothing exist.