Of Reoccurring Patterns and Breaking them ...

Once upon a time there was this girl who suffered from many many headaches. The mystery of these headaches just could not be solved. Many times she visited doctors and which doctors and Chinese Mendicants to solve to problem but they would send her home with a bottle of paracetemol or something alike, some soothing words of encouragement and the likes. Telling her that one day the headache would go away. Initially she believed them, She was young and she knew that somehow in the future her headaches would stop. But as the years went by, it only became worse. She still experienced the headaches and by now instead of looking for the remedy every time she needed it she resorted to stocking up with paracetamol.Now no matter what people said she gave them a cynical smile and said "If only you have had thie similar pain, you have no clue what you speak of".   She decided she would never leave home without her pills. She became immensely careful knowing that no matter what she does the dreaded headache would return.

Then one day a miracle happen, she found a job close to the ocean and she left home, venturing away form familiar grounds. As soon as she settled into her new environment, she started to feel allot better, she wondered what had happen... her diet was the same, she took no supplements, She still did the same exercise. She drank the same things ... she was just as she was before. What had changed. She started to not need the medicines at all and soon got rid of all the pills. One day she payed a visit to her home in the city and immediately the pain returned. She only then realized why the pain existed in the first place. You see she lived right next to the airport in the city. The reason why she was getting these pains was because of the sound of the planes. Now because she had lived next to the airport all her life, the sound of the planes was something natural to her. She almost did not hear it most of the time. But this had been causing her her headache all this while. It came as such a shock to her that something so simple had tormented her life  for so long.

I realized that this was the same for me, there has been reoccurring pain happening in my life for such a long time and all i have been doing is looking for solutions, not examining the real problem. For many many years the same situation has been happening again and again and im always left wondering what did i do or how will i make it better the next time. I was so focused on finding a solution to make the pain go away that I forgot about finding out what was the structural issue here. 

Now embarking on this road of discovery is not easy, many a times we have become so accustomed to our life situations that we cannot see what is wrong. At times people can help identify this for you, but most of the time they cannot. why? because this trait or feeling or problem has become so deep rooted in you that it kinda forms your personality or your whole make up as a person. People who love you for just the way you are will be as equally confused as you. Hence this is a journey for 1 person. And only that one person can discover what is awaiting. 

I decided that i have lived reactively for a very long time, reacting to situations and reacting to things on the outside. I am indeed blessed this month because the universe has put me in a spot where i have nothing else to do but to be with myself. Even when i try to go somewhere or do something plans begin to crumble and shatter and yes explode, like Mount Kelut that exploded on my extremely well planed holiday in Yogjakarta. 

As i was thinking of how to start this journey to discover this self, knowing that there is a vast ocean to discover, i was sent a hint in the form of a movie. We watched the runaway bride last night and it struck me that maybe just like Julia Roberts in the movie i might have been convincing myself about the things that i like to do , eat , listen to ect. So i started out by making a list of things that did and categorizing them into if i hated them, was nuetral about them or loved them. Well i was extreemly glad with my discovery. I found out that I was pretty certain about the things that i loved and hated and that I was more sure of myself and less afraid of telling people what i liked. I did not worry so much about the crowd or accommodating to the people i loved. I was so glad. 

Now i moved one step further and started examining myself from an emotional point of view... i've learnt that the way we deal with emotions has been totally flawed. The way we deal with stuff when you are upset ie. the Hollywood way is totally a myth.Take for example, a common breakup scene. 

The rules of getting over a Person is simple according to Hollywood.

Step one: Cry your heart out. This might take days. See everything that reminds you of them and cry some more 

Step 2: Hide in your room/house watch movies ... preferably rom - coms and eat only ice cream carbs and alcahol . Don't forget the compulsory large sweater and sweat pants. 

Step 3: Decide that you hate this PERSON forever, erase all evidence of you being together 

Step 4: Realize that you are so much more that this useless peice of S!@# and get out of this mood. 

Step 5: Put on your running shoes, Hit the gym, Color or cut or style your hair , Buy some new clothes ! and you are back out there ! Let that stupid person see you now when you are so awesome and when they  do totally ignore them :) Coz ur awesome like that.

This entire process would take anytime between 2 weeks to months or some people years.... 

Now if you choose the Bollywood/Kollywood version of things 

Step 1 : Its all your fault... You must have done something to cause this.... Its you... for they can never be wrong

Step 2: Mope... cry.... Scold GOD ... for this is only his fault...

Step 3 : Decide on your lifetime punishment ... like become an alcoholic ... Never Love again ....Devote your life to a different cause ...live in the memory f this person and forever punish yourself .

Step 4: Pray for this person would get all the happiness in the world. And when you meet ignore them as you don't want them to know you are suffering on the inside... However secretly pray they would find out and feel sorry and come running back  

As you go through it more and more like me .you realize the time taken also becomes shorter. But what i got to know this time was ... this entire process is a myth. It does not even have to exist. This is a process for the mediocre. A way of life prescribed for those who do not understand that all this exist only in the world of Maya. To know that you can actually just snap out of heartache without going thru any of this was so empowering. 

It literally just made me feel the freedom of not being chained to any sort of idea. It can just be a split second decision and you know for a fact you have the freedom... not the strength and will power and courage but the freedom to choose to let something go. There is no need for hatred. There is no need to cut the person off there is no need to bitch ...there is no need to conventional methods. There is just this tremendous amount of freedom. 

Beware however that the mediocre world will come with its advice and disbelieve that you can actually make this choice. They will tell you "do not bottle up your feelings" .. " Let it go.. its better that way" " Its ok to be angry... its ok to hate" Yes its OK to be all the above and its also OK to not be all of the above. The joy lies not with the action you wish to execute. The joy lies with the feeling of executing this freedom. 

I am so glad that this has come my way. I am so glad that the relationship that the life situation chose was one of  my most cherished. Its only because of that that the freedom felt was so much greater. 

So ... I can see that ive now gotten to know me on a physical level and on an emotional level. Im yet to discover deeper things and encounter different parts of me that im yet to discover. But trust me ive have never been so excited to find out more about a person than I am today. I also discovered that you do not need to leave your physical surroundings to start on this journey of self discovery.. You dont need to be in Bali or BoroBudor or any exotic place, Old Klang Road works just fine. The only place that we need to be comfortable in is your own skin and your own circumstances. Then the joy of this freedom becomes something so amazing that no one with any theories can take it away from you, because you know what it tastes like. You have drank from this fountain of self discovery ... 

So let me leave with a promise to write more the more I find out about this embodiment of love ... and at least this time im not waiting for the journey to end. 

Love to all of you out there with blessings that you too might be so fortunate that this freedom is felt in you circumstances as well.