Meeting The Love of My Life

I am a kid who grew up with Disney Movies and had/Has a very strong belief that “One Day My Prince Will Come” ( Sung in the Tune of Snow Whites Famous by the Well Song) . That feeling of being totally in love was something I yearned for completely. Constantly falling in and out of love was a norm for me. Remember that song, I got hit by a bus got under a train… but it felt so good I wanna do it again? Yeah just like that it was like I was addicted to the pain. It was painful and it was logically pointless. Nevertheless there was an emptiness that really needed to be filled and according to Disney…at least at that time before Mulan and Brave and the likes… that void would be filled with your true love.

It was very constant this rejection from the opposite sex. I constantly questioned/question myself, was there something wrong with me. I mean it can’t be them since I was rejected again and again consistently and continuously. I must be defected in some way that I myself can’t see. Of course I tried asking but I never found an answer. But as I look back I realize that this was/is such a blessing. Every single rejection brought me closer to the only person I knew who even if He wanted to could not reject me. A person who I can claim loved me, loves me, and will continue to love me. Every sorrow made me hold him a little tighter. He was my safety net, He was my Prince, My knight in shining Armour that came around every single time I found there was no one to turn to. He would just listen, and ask questions and tell me “life goes on… Don’t worry I am Always There..” With every rejection with every failure our relationship grew. It grew through all the fights we had, it grew through all the crying that we did together, it grew through all the screaming, venting and even after all that drama he would still be there. This is the story of how we first met in flesh and blood.

I had known my love since I was 9. How did He come into my life? Like a dream… with no introduction… He just barged right in and as soon as I saw Him it was Love at first sight. He did not need to convince me or proof himself to me. I admit I was not crazy about him when we first met but He totally grew on me…and as the days went by he became close to an obsession. I want to fill every waking moment with his love… in a way that no other thought is allowed in. I want to listen to his voice only and see his form only because I have not found joy in doing anything else the way I find joy in Him.

It was the year 2006 when I was preparing to finally meet him. It would be the first year that I would fly to India where we were supposed to meet. The excitement was paramount. It was building as soon as I stepped into KLIA. I was so very excited. I was finally going to see him. As I walked to take the train to our departure gate, this joy and excitement came pouring out in tears. I was going to see him finally, How will he receive me … Who cares. I was convinced as soon as I saw him Life as it existed would be changed forever. I controlled myself and wiped away the tears of excitement.

We arrived in Indian and of course He was popular and I was not the only one who loved him, Another girl told me “ Imagine we are breathing the same air that he is breathing! “ That turned on the taps in my eyes again. As we cleared customs they might have thought I was brought there against my will or had an eye problem or something. We got out of the airport and had to spend the night before travelling to his place. Of course we stayed in his Banglore home and as we passed it again I cried. He has been here… this very place… this dust might be the same that has touched his feet. These trees have definitely met him… Yes I was ecstatic. It might sound totally exaggerated but it is so true.

The next day we got up early to a chill morning in Bangalore and after prayers and breakfast left for his Home. After four hours of nail biting waiting photo clicking and disturbed sleep we arrived at the abode of supreme peace. As we drove into the arch our excitement was arching. We were like OmGGG OMGGG we were here. Never have I seen a bunch of young people more excited about spiritualism. As we drove into the Ashram, someone told me that he was in the hall as we were passing. I wanted to jump of the bus and run into the hall. It was merely a few meters that was keeping us apart. I’ve come this far … why still this separation.

We got to our rooms and after settling in.. got prepared to meet him. The true Purusha.

At 3.30 pm we lined up in queues and were ushered into this grand majestic hall. I’ve read about this place and heard about it but today I was experiencing all this for myself. We sat down where we were told and waited patiently for him to come. I did not know what to imagine. How would he come, when would he come, would he look at me… what would happen??

And then at about 4.30pm a silver car is seen at the gate and it glides in gently. Inside it.. My ONE true Love. My heart was beating so fast. In the background, a beautiful bhajan… “Bhagawan Tumhara Nam” Lord your Name… The car was drawing closer to where we were…I could feel the excitement mounting and just as the car passed me …. He turned to the other side.. completely ignoring my existence. Was I sad?... No . Was I Happy? No… Was I Lost … completely.

Did I give up? No .But was I confused? Of course I was. I was so very very confused. I of all people ignored. I who loved you? I who was dying to meet you? And I who felt the most love… this is how He behaved? This cannot be my One true Love.

And The Question He asks Still rings in my ears… Do you love me because you have no choice because I’m always there or Do you love me because I am your choice?

I still ask myself this question every day. Do I use Swami as my crutch when I feel down and I have nowhere to go to or is Swami my First choice. My first resort not my last resort. The lines are getting more and more blur now. I can’t tell the difference but in retrospect I know it was not by choice initially it was because He was there. And although I feel so Bad about it now, I am grateful for it. I am grateful that my desperation for acceptance found its fulfillment in the arms of the Lord of the Universe.