Sharanagati
I am wondering if I have finally arrived at the destination I want to be or is this just a demonstration of what i can have if I truly surrender.
As soon as I left Chennai this time, I feel I am being pushed to a corner by Him so that I realise I have no choice but to accept and move on. That no matter how I cry or throw a fit, with me His will will just be done and I have no say about it at all. Just when i think one of my ailments are settling another one is thrown upon me. From fevers to sore throats to back sprain to indigestion... heart brake to low self esteem ... I think this first few days of the year have been one heck of a roller coaster ride and its only been 5 days.
Just surrender I hear him say, and all I can say back is yes I am giving up. You take care of me why should I care? But like I was telling one of my best buddy who is apparently in the same position, giving up and surrendering are 2 different things. This is how I would define it.
Giving up - I don't care nothing i do is gonna matter so why bother? ( i feel its abandonment after being totally beaten up and frustrated)
Surrender - You know what is best for me and I will accept anything that comes along.
I reached Malaysia with the feeling that I give up. Nothing mattered any more. Frustrated and ready to just go ahead with my work. I did not even want time to analyse anything. I just wanted my routine to start. The very next day after arriving in Malacca I decided lets get down to business and do some serious work shopping. I was feeling great .. not even a little tired. But like a weird magical spell, right in the middle of shopping i got a fever. My body started aching and eyes started watering.
That was the first gift of the new year. I was sent to bed forced to be alone with my blankets, huge sweater and my thoughts. After visiting the doctor things seemed allot better.. and we were back to KL , I was glad that i had training on the 5th, at least by working i could get my mind off all these thots. But lo and behold I sprained my back. Emotionally it was a though time as well. Dealing with my emotions with no where to go or escape to was hard.
My biggest problem was not the heartbreak or rejection but the fact that it was a reoccurring pattern. We have talked about this before so i wont elaborate. But as i thought about this an experience i had in Chennai came to mind.
Last Thursday on the 26th Dec, we went to the Parthasarathy temple in Triplicane . Yes it is one of the 108 Divya Deshams :) hoorah! but the experience i had in this temple started way before we went in. As the Utsavar was out as we drove in, Sowmya SK and me got out of the car first so Sathya could park. We walked for a bit towards Him and waited by the road side. Just in front of us , many ladies were putting rangolis or Kolams on the road. One particular mami caught out eyes. She was an elderly mami and Boy did she have skills. Sowmya and I stood admiring her master piece. She started with a small motive in the centre and went around creating more. Every time she finished one round she would look at Swami to see how near he had come. She would access the situation and continue to go another round. Round after round, motive after motive the kolam became so elaborate. If i had done something like that i would have photographed it from 100 different angles and flooded facebook with it.
When Swami was 5 steps away she finally stopped put the flour aside and prostrated to him.
What happen after that? the kolam just VANISHED . The crowd stepped on it and it was gone. All that hard work put in and what did she get? physically nothing, emotionally Nothing... Spiritually .... I hope she got something.
But that was a huge lesson for me... initially i looked at it very philosophically, it was surrender, just doing something for the Lord without wanting anything in return, but as i think of it now lying on my bed with my sprained back... its allot like what im going thru... a reoccurrence again and again same experiences, yet I have always been under the illusion that I have the power to change it. To analyse to get to the root cause. To think maybe the kolam could be saved if Swami would walk around it.. :P Silly isn't it. It is my ego that he was crushing. My stupidity that thought analysing things and setting them right was for me to do.
That is when my giving up turned into Surrender . And like Parthasarathy himself HE said everything I do no matter how Bad it is is ONLY for you. I will bear the arrows for you, I will make sure no dust enter your eyes... for I am the eyelids that protect you.
Thank You Swami... Do with me what you will... I will fight you like a brat but I know Ultimately you will win, and I never want you to loose .. I just enjoy fighting ;) ;P
As soon as I left Chennai this time, I feel I am being pushed to a corner by Him so that I realise I have no choice but to accept and move on. That no matter how I cry or throw a fit, with me His will will just be done and I have no say about it at all. Just when i think one of my ailments are settling another one is thrown upon me. From fevers to sore throats to back sprain to indigestion... heart brake to low self esteem ... I think this first few days of the year have been one heck of a roller coaster ride and its only been 5 days.
Just surrender I hear him say, and all I can say back is yes I am giving up. You take care of me why should I care? But like I was telling one of my best buddy who is apparently in the same position, giving up and surrendering are 2 different things. This is how I would define it.
Giving up - I don't care nothing i do is gonna matter so why bother? ( i feel its abandonment after being totally beaten up and frustrated)
Surrender - You know what is best for me and I will accept anything that comes along.
I reached Malaysia with the feeling that I give up. Nothing mattered any more. Frustrated and ready to just go ahead with my work. I did not even want time to analyse anything. I just wanted my routine to start. The very next day after arriving in Malacca I decided lets get down to business and do some serious work shopping. I was feeling great .. not even a little tired. But like a weird magical spell, right in the middle of shopping i got a fever. My body started aching and eyes started watering.
That was the first gift of the new year. I was sent to bed forced to be alone with my blankets, huge sweater and my thoughts. After visiting the doctor things seemed allot better.. and we were back to KL , I was glad that i had training on the 5th, at least by working i could get my mind off all these thots. But lo and behold I sprained my back. Emotionally it was a though time as well. Dealing with my emotions with no where to go or escape to was hard.
My biggest problem was not the heartbreak or rejection but the fact that it was a reoccurring pattern. We have talked about this before so i wont elaborate. But as i thought about this an experience i had in Chennai came to mind.
Last Thursday on the 26th Dec, we went to the Parthasarathy temple in Triplicane . Yes it is one of the 108 Divya Deshams :) hoorah! but the experience i had in this temple started way before we went in. As the Utsavar was out as we drove in, Sowmya SK and me got out of the car first so Sathya could park. We walked for a bit towards Him and waited by the road side. Just in front of us , many ladies were putting rangolis or Kolams on the road. One particular mami caught out eyes. She was an elderly mami and Boy did she have skills. Sowmya and I stood admiring her master piece. She started with a small motive in the centre and went around creating more. Every time she finished one round she would look at Swami to see how near he had come. She would access the situation and continue to go another round. Round after round, motive after motive the kolam became so elaborate. If i had done something like that i would have photographed it from 100 different angles and flooded facebook with it.
When Swami was 5 steps away she finally stopped put the flour aside and prostrated to him.
What happen after that? the kolam just VANISHED . The crowd stepped on it and it was gone. All that hard work put in and what did she get? physically nothing, emotionally Nothing... Spiritually .... I hope she got something.
But that was a huge lesson for me... initially i looked at it very philosophically, it was surrender, just doing something for the Lord without wanting anything in return, but as i think of it now lying on my bed with my sprained back... its allot like what im going thru... a reoccurrence again and again same experiences, yet I have always been under the illusion that I have the power to change it. To analyse to get to the root cause. To think maybe the kolam could be saved if Swami would walk around it.. :P Silly isn't it. It is my ego that he was crushing. My stupidity that thought analysing things and setting them right was for me to do.
That is when my giving up turned into Surrender . And like Parthasarathy himself HE said everything I do no matter how Bad it is is ONLY for you. I will bear the arrows for you, I will make sure no dust enter your eyes... for I am the eyelids that protect you.
Thank You Swami... Do with me what you will... I will fight you like a brat but I know Ultimately you will win, and I never want you to loose .. I just enjoy fighting ;) ;P
Comments