Defining the Undefined. (Part 1) 

You know how when we are kids we have dreams, Dreams that seem so illogical but yet you believe it could one day become true. When were were in primary school every year were were asked to fill in our ambitions on a card that was kept as a record in school. I remember my ambition when i was 7 was to be a police women... not funny.. i thought it was super cool... i watched a lot of police parades and was always around police people because appa was more active then. My ambitions grew year after year and by the age of 11 i wanted to be the prime minister :) At that age i believed nothing was impossible, my first dream of becoming the head prefect of the school had come true and i believe there was no stopping me now.

Then it happened, i remember my school principal, Mrs. Helen Gifford a woman i had admired for all my school life - 6 years to be precise at that time, she was your classic single hot successful chick ( She only married when i was 12 to a white guy... so in a 12 year olds eye very successful). It was early morning in one of our morning value based/chathecism classes we used to have that she asked each of us our ambitions, and as i was on top of the world and believed that anything could become true i told her , i wanted to be the prime minister of Malaysia :) so confident because i believed anything  was possible. That was the first real dream breking event in my life when she sat me down and explained to me how tht was not achievable. I was hurt and embarrassed to have had such an unrealistic dream. Since then, many dreams have been conjured and many dreams have shattered. I realize also some go away easily however some leave really huge scars , the type of wounds that you do not even wanna touch or look at because even looking at the scar hurts.

One such scar i have begun to slowly work on is this longing for an elder brother. As a kid apart from wanting to actually see God ( thanks to u Swami i have) I also wanted an elder brother. Now it was not that i was a silly child , I knew how it works since i was the eldest there was no chance i could... of course Jeremiah was always there in the begining but when he left, that left such a huge gap in my life that i really needed to fill that space. I went to the only source I had been told that could grant you wishes and fullfill your dream not to forget give you good grades in school , because hey lets face it we all know to get the number one placing in class is simple Work hard and pray hard ( AND ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK UR ANSWER SHEET) - I can still hear ammas voice. Anyway coming back. When i met SS i belived so much i had found the one! but we all know what happened with that. after that I decided, no one is ever gonna fill this role, no one will ever be close to me again , because there is no way i was gonna get hurt like this again.

Then He walked into my Life ...